


Coming Out

by PrismaChris



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, SVU squad is queer, These are gonna be short stories about queer SVU cops and lawyers, Warning: Google translate Spanish, Wtf are summaries, and it starts with the love of my life, here are their stories, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7551664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrismaChris/pseuds/PrismaChris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rafael Barba came out as bisexual four times in his life, spanning 26 years. It got easier each time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Abuelita

16 year old Rafael Barba knew he likes guys for as long as he could remember liking anyone. He also knew he shouldn't talk about it, or confirm it. He knew he was already a target forcabrónin his neighborhood, by the way he wanted so badly to go to law school since he was 14, for being just a little to much into fashion, for wanting a theatre program in his high school, for every small thing that just screamed 'different'.  
God bless his friends, who always stool up for him.  
16 year old Rafael Barba knew he should not talk about it, him liking guys. But he needed to. He felt like it was going to burst out of him, or maybe spill. Which was why he was at his Abuelita's apartment, unannounced. "Abuelita?" Rafael knocked on her door. "Abuelita, soy yo, Rafe."  
His grandmother opened the door, hugging and kissing him, and Rafeal felt his heart hurt. She loved him so much. His Abuelita led him to the living room, and they snacked, while she asked him questions about his life- as if she didn't just see him 5 days ago.  
"Abuelita," Rafael finally said, a good 30 minutes into his visit, what he hoped was an apologetic look on his face, but was probably more sick looking. "I need to tel you something."  
"Si, what is it, Rafe?" She looked at him, lovingly and worried.  
Rafael was so nervous, he felt like crying. He charisted himself mentally.  
"I..." Rafael closed his eyes, and spoke quickly, "I like guys, Abuelita."  
Silence.  
Rafael hesitantly opened his eyes to see his Abuelita looking confused.  
Better than disgust, Rafael thought.  
"But Rafe..." She started. "You were just dating that girl, what's her name, you were so upset when she broke up with you. How could you like boys?"  
"I like girls also, Abuelita." Rafael swallowed. No point in telling her the word bisexual, he thought.  
"You like both?"  
"Si."  
She sighed, and Rafael felt his stomach drop, but before he could panic for long, his Abuelita said, "Te Quiero, Rafe. No matter what. You know that. I don't care who you bring to bed." She moved her arms, signaling for a hug. Rafael did gladly, having a flickering thankful thought that she hasn't watched the news since the 60s.  
"Gracias, Abuelita. Te Quiero."  
She smiled and kissed his forehead.  
"Have you told your mami or papi?" She asked as he pulled away.  
"No," Rafael looked terrified at the thought. Lucia Barba did watch the news. Her reaction would be different. "No, and please, don't tell them."  
His Abuelita sighed, like he was putting her out, before smirking. "Only if you stay for dinner."  
Rafael smiled softly at his Abuelita.


	2. Lucia Barba

Rafael Barba was 25, and he was about to take the bar next month.  
And he was going to come out to his mother tonight.  
No worries.  
Yeah, right.  
It was 1997, so it wasn't like he has to be concerned about her talking about AIDS. It was barely a thing anymore, as far as the news said.  
One less thing to be worried about.  
Maybe.  
Too late to back out now, he thought, as he opened his dorm room for his mom to enter. "Hi, mami." He greeted, after they kissed on the cheek.  
"Rafe, you look skinny, have you've been eating?"  
Rafael almost smiled. Barely in the room and she already was being critical of him. Just like at home.  
"As much as I can, mami. I've been studying hard for the bar, you know."  
Lucia just 'humpf-ed', causing him to roll his eyes.  
"What was it that you called me here for, hm?"  
No beating around the bush, then. Of course.  
"I can't miss my mom?" Rafael asked nervously.  
Cue the Lucia Barba glare TM.  
"Rafael Barba," she only got to his name, the beginning part of her infamous rant, before Rafael cut her off.  
"Okay, um, mami. I do have something to tell you." Rafael shrugged, hoping to go for casual as he said, "I'm bisexual."  
Lucia purses her lips. No response.  
Rafael looked at her, waiting for anything. Hugs. Yelling. Disappointment. Grudging acceptance. Anything.  
"Mami?"  
"Why?" She asked.  
Rafael didn't know how answer that. "I don't know why. It's not a choice, mami. I didn't choose this. I just- I just am."  
"You're my only child."  
"I know."  
"What would you're papi think?"  
"Papi is dead, mami, gracias a Dios-"  
"Rafael!" His mom sounded so upset, and wasn't that a joke?  
"He was horrible to us! He hurt us, mami! I didn't give a shit about what he thought about me when he was alive, I'm not caring when he's dead."  
Rafael was, sorta, aware that he was being rude. His mom did love his dad for some reason, and he's only been dead for less than a year.  
"But I care what you think," Rafael told her, softer than before. "I want you to still love me."  
Lucia looked offended. "Of course I still love you." Lucia cupped his face, and Rafael looked at her hopefully. "Even if you are like this."  
Okay, not the best thing to say, Rafael thought.  
"You're my son. Te Quiero." Rafael nodded and repeated the I love you.  
"Good." Lucia smiled. "What are my odds of getting grandkids?"  
Rafael tried not to wince. He failed. "No promises."  
"Hm. Oh, well. Come, then, take me out to dinner. You need to eat."  
Rafael didn't comment that shouldn't she take him to dinner if she wanted him to eat? He just took her arm and led them out.  
Progress.  
He hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the 80s, black and Latino men were most effected by the AIDS epidemic. And bi men were seen as carriers of the 'gay disease' to straight women. So being a bisexual, black and/or Latino guy back then? Not so good.


	3. Olivia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Member that scene in 'Criminal Hatred'? The one when Rafe said, "Sit. Eat. Drink." Or smth like that? It's set during/after that scene.

Liv and Barba sat, eating at the bar, Barba explaining and describing how he could get Jeremy Jones sentenced on a Hate Crime statue in details, when Liv interrupted him.   
"Are you homophobic?"  
Barba stopped, and blinked at her in surprise. "Why are you asking me this?" He laughed in shock. Really?  
Liv raised a brow. "Well, you seem like you really want this guy in jail-"  
"Yeah, he's killed someone." Said like it was obvious. Which. It was.  
"-and the way you've been talking to and looking at the victims...listen, I think of you as my friend. If your homophobic, tell me. Maybe I could help you unders-"  
"I'm bisexual."  
It was Liv's turn to look surprised. "What?"  
Rafael laughed, this time good heartily. "I'm bi, detective, so pretty far off from homophobic." He smirked at her.  
Liv looked embarrassed, and Barba could see her mentally going through his reactions to the case; he felt he should explain himself about the way he's been acting.  
"Listen," he told her seriously. "I've been out, but not loud about it, since I was, oh, 27? Everyone in the DA's office knows it. They don't really talk about it, to my face at least. I don't know how you didn't know. I have been told I'm quite flamboyant in the way I, well, am." Rafael gave a scoff. "Like that saying goes, 'if I had a dime for every time...'. I wouldn't need this job if I got one for every time I've been called "Spanish dandy" or something of the sorts." Barba paused. Spanish dandy was actually one of the better insults he's gotten. He kinda found it funny. Liv, though, eyebrows pulled together, and a slight frown on her lips, looked guilty. "Barba-"  
Rafael waved her off with his hand. "No, listen. I don't like this case. I feel like I need to win it, because if I don't, there will be talk about how I let the kid off on purpose because of 'shared interest', or something." Rafael's face made it clear he's heard that term before. But he shook his expression off, and leaned towards Liv a bit, who leaned towards him politely.   
Speaking quietly, Barba said, "And I don't like closeted men. I don't. And I hate that about me. It's the same feelings Jones has- the only difference is I wouldn't kill closeted men. It's shitty, I know. I'm a real Pendejo. Almost everyone I meet can tell I'm queer- except you, and you're supposed to be a detective," that part said a bit mockingly. "but others can hide it so god damn well. It's...not fair."   
Rafael leaned back and took a healthy sip of his drink, seeming to realize he ranted. "I'm sorry." He muttered around his glass, avoiding eye contact. "I could have just said something like, 'i'm bi, I'm worried others might feel I'm biased, and I'm jealous of closeted men.'"   
There were silence, Liv not speaking as she absorbed what Barba said, and Barba eating his food, avoiding looking at her.  
"I'm sorry," Liv said, which just made Rafael flinch. "About assuming," she clarified. "And being on your ass, making sure you're not seeing this case in a judgmental way."   
Rafael gave a hum, which Liv took as his awkward way to say 'apologies accepted.'   
"Can we just ignore what just happened?" Rafael asked, slightly pleading. Liv nodded, and Rafael was about to talk about the case again, when Liv said casually, "So, are you seeing anybody?"  
Rafael threw his head back.  
"Por el amor de Dios."


	4. Sonny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now to show u I'm Barisi trash.  
> Also, I go between the headcanon that Carisi is gay and that Carisi is pan.

Technically, Rafael wasn't 'out', but also technically he wasn't in the closet.  
He's too flamboyant for that, according to Brooklyn's EADA.  
"Stop wearing pink suits for once in you're life, Barba, and maybe you could pass as straight."  
Like that mattered.  
If you asked Rafael about him being bi, he would answer honestly; he wouldn't lie, but he's not screaming it from the rooftops.  
Sonny Carisi might as well be screaming from the rooftops that he likes guys, from the way he looks at Rafael.  
Like he was amazing, like he was Carisi's hero, like he could do no wrong.  
Also, like Sonny would like nothing better than to bang him.  
Its distracting.  
And made Rafael's ego go up by a few points.  
And, maybe, Rafael also, kinda, looked at him like that, a little; but at least Rafael was subtle about it.  
Sorta.  
Rafael shook his head.  
Sonny Carisi was destroying him.  
Like right now.  
Rafael was trying to explain to Carisi, Fin, and Liv how no, he needs more than just 'well I think I might've seen him there that night? Maybe?' for a house warrant, but he could possibly get GPS phone records, but Carisi was staring at him.  
Rafael felt like his skin was on fire.  
It was a surprisingly good feeling.  
Rafael decided to have a talk with him.  
What the talk was going to be about? He'll know when he got there.  
Rafael just knew he couldn't pretend like he wasn't aware of Carisi's eyes on him.  
He dismissed the three of them-and Jesus, the look over he got from Carisi, as if he needed to drink in the sight of Rafael or he'll die of thirst.  
"Carisi," he spoke up right before Carisi was about to leave his office.  
"Yeah, counselor?"  
"Come here," Rafael motioned him back into the room. "Shut the door."  
Carisi did, slightly hesitantly. "What is it?"  
"Do you know how to be subtle?" Rafael asked, deciding not to beat around the bush, moving from behind his desk to lean against the front. Carisi turned a light shade of pink.  
Okay, he was beautiful, Rafael mentally admitted.  
"What do you mean?" Carisi asked, staring straight at Rafael.  
Impressive.  
"I've seen the way you are constantly looking at me."  
"What way?" Avoidance. Hm. Rafael needed to be direct.  
Rafael pushed off his desk and walked towards Carisi, stopping a few feet away. Carisi didn't move back, just looked at Rafael nervously.  
"Like you want me."  
Carisi winced.  
Interesting.  
"So, do you want to explain?"  
'Or grab me and make out with me. Or ask me out.' Rafael thought. Okay, apparently Rafael wanted that kind of talk. Which isn't really surprising, Rafael would admit.  
"I'm sorry." Carisi apologized, which Rafael did not see coming. "I'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable, oh shit, please don't complain about me to the Lieutenant. I know straight guys don't like to be looked at by gay guys, I'm just. Shit. Sorry, counselor."  
All this was said very quickly. Rafael blinked and said the only thing he could think of.  
"I'm not straight." Which, wow, why was the SVU department so heteronormative? First Liv, now Carisi? "I'm bisexual."  
Carisi looked confused.  
Precious, Rafael thought.  
"And what did I say make you think you had to apologize?"  
Carisi was now looking at him curiously. "You don't want me to apologize?"  
"No, detective, I don't. Far from it."  
Carisi gave a slight nod, finally-finally- understanding what Rafael was getting at. "You like me staring at you like...that."  
Jesus, this was going to take forever, Rafael thought.  
"Yes." Rafael took a step closer. Carisi didn't move. Good. "I do." Another step. Now Rafael was close enough to feel Carisi's breath in his face- that is, if Carisi wasn't holding it.  
Kiss me, Rafael silently begged.  
He didn't. He just looked unsure, as if Rafael was going to step back any minute now and laugh at him.  
Rafael rolled his eyes and grabbed Carisi's tie. "But I would prefer it if you did more than just that."  
That did the trick.  
Carisi grabbed Rafael by the back of the neck with one hand and pulled Rafael towards his lips.  
Finally.  
Rafael wrapped Sonny's tie around his hand once, pulling him closer, and grabbed his arm, closer, closer.  
If Rafael thought Sonny was looking at him like he was going to die of thirst, than Sonny kissing him was like drowning.  
It felt brilliant.  
"Jesus," Rafael whispered when he pulled away, breathless.  
Sonny was looking at him, dopey eyed and plush kisses lips smiling.  
"So," Rafael let go of sonny's tie. "Now that we got that settled." He took a step back. Sonny looked a bit confused. "I'm not one to make out in my office, Carisi." Rafael explained. Sonny's face got pinker.  
Jesus Christ.  
"So how about instead, you come over tonight?"  
Sonny grinned.


End file.
